So I’m standing in front of the mirror and talking to my reflection, telling myself I’ve gotta do better this coming week. (Why? Check here) I’m about blowing myself a goodbye kiss when I suddenly spot a healing blister on my lower lip.

At first I’m not sure what I’m looking at or how it got there. I do a quick inventory through my mind’s archives trying to recall recent times I might have hurt my lip or something related.

And then it comes to me…

I probably got it from the violent kisser I met a day ago.

The babe kisses like she’s tryna suck out someone’s soul through the lips. Anyway thinking about that awful kissing experience led me to think of how everyone’s first kiss defines what kind of kisser they end up being in life. And how not everyone who’s a matured bad kisser is lucky enough to meet someone who’ll help explain to them and modify their lip locking and tongue swirl-dip technique.

So I started thinking about my first ever actual kiss.

My cousin when I was 8 years old???

Well, yes. My cousin was the first human I ever kissed. And I don’t mean peck.

I was 8, she was 10, we were related and the kiss was prolonged, feisty and indecent. And I’d chase her around afterwards like a horny goat wanting more until our parents found out. The punishment for our lasciviousness was severe.

NOW I REMEMBER! My actual first ever kiss was with my dog.

Calm down! Relax. Wipe that look of your face…

…You ain’t no saint.

So yes my first ever kiss was with my dog. Now before you start judging, here’s what happened.

I was home alone and bored. Nothing going on. Just sprawled on the couch waiting on… anything… something to happen.

My dog at the time must have been equally bored because he sauntered over (yes the dog was a HE and I know it makes this story infinitely worse) and sat opposite my head watching me.

The dog didn’t like being ignored so he began licking my arm. When that didn’t get my attention, he upgraded to licking my face. That was gross so I shoved him off before resuming ignoring him.

After a minute, he resumed licking my face. More insistently this time (this is beginning to sound like a rape story). I laughed because dog was being stubborn and tongue was ticklish but as my mouth flew open, dog’s tongue darted in.

I immediately shoved the dog off and went to wash out my mouth in the bathroom. Dried off, then resumed my position on the couch.

The dog returned and resumed licking. And when his tongue darted into my mouth that time, I didn’t flinch.

You see, my parents weren’t really into parental guidance concerning movies. By the time I was 6 I’d seen every Nightmare on Elm Street, Child’s Play movie out by then.

My parents weren’t into the whole “They’re kissing in the movie cover your eyes!” I saw Basic Instinct

…for the first time before I was 9.

So let’s just say when my dog’s tongue darted into my mouth that second time, I was tryna understand Michael Douglas and what exactly he felt in Sharon Stone’s mouth.

But I understood and felt nothing positive. IT WAS GROSS.

I washed my mouth out with soap and locked the dog outside. THE END.

If you’re hoping it happened again with a dog, you probably should book an appointment with the nearest psychiatrist.

But the question is, did that semi-erotic experience with my dog influence my growth into the devilish kisser that I am now? No jokes, I can wreck a ten year marriage with just a kiss (don’t test me).

Anyways, here are a few pointers on how to be an at least average kisser.

  • Take it easy. You can be passionate while kissing and yet still take it easy. It’s not like arm-wrestling. Gentle strokes with your tongue and light caressing and coaxing with your lips. You don’t want her/his face looking like this…
  • Don’t use your teeth unless you know exactly what you’re doing. But to be safe, keep your teeth entirely out of the entire process You’re not starring in an episode of The Walking Dead (I love that show).
  • Control your spit outflow. The purpose of kissing is NOT (I repeat, NOT) to give your kissing partner copious amounts of saliva to swallow. Okay? Don’t just start gushing spit down the other person’s throat because she/he might avenge by gushing vomit down your throat.
  • Don’t suck too hard on the lips. Kissing is a gentle affair not a tug of war. I’m still pissed off by this blister on my lip.
  • Close your eyes during. Unless it’s a full moon and you’re afraid the other person might turn into a werewolf during the kiss, shut your eyes. Trust me, it makes the kiss all the more pleasurable. Unless of course the kissing is horrible, then open your eyes and make sure he/she is human.

I think that’s enough tips. Oh wait! One more,

  • Don’t try shoving your tongue down the other person’s throat. It’s disgusting and extremely disturbingly invasive. Nothing sexy about it.
  • And make sure you’ve got good breath and you taste good. In fact, if you know you’re gonna be kissing, brush your teeth immediately beforehand (that way you avoid dropping debris from between your teeth in the other person’s mouth). Then apply some flavoured lip balm. But not too heavily so your lips don’t look and feel all greasy and yucky.
  • And don’t kiss Trump. It’s probably gonna be like kissing a very wet and very loose, flapping vagina.                                                                That said, LET’S MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

NOW GET OUT THERE AND STEAL HIS/HER BREATHE AWAY WITH A KISS (or steal his/her soul, whatever it is you’re into).

One more tip.

  • If you were giving head prior to a kiss, at least be nice enough to swallow contents of your mouth prior to kissing. Most girls and guys don’t appreciate tasting themselves in other people’s mouth. (This tip is open to debate).


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