Bet you never thought you’d see crime, violence and suicide in the same sentence as Christmas.

I bet when you think of the holidays you picture Santa and his Jolly Jelly Belly. Not this dude

Or this dude

But you can’t blame these versions of Santa for going against the norm. I mean, do you have any idea how stressful Christmas can be for some people? Especially those who don’t have ANYTHING (material things or family or otherwise). And most especially Santa who has to spend the holidays satisfying self-entitled snot nosed little brats and adults.

And let’s not even talk about how the perpetrating of crimes peak around Christmas.

Fine, I’ll talk about it.

When I say crime, I don’t mean just the call 911 kind. There are also ethical crimes; like how prices skyrocket during the Yuletide. Or Toy multinationals and fast-food chains brainwash little kids to strong-arm their parents to BUY, BUY, BUY AND BUY. Capitalism at its ugliest finest.

After all that happens, those who can’t afford anything feel sad, downtrodden and like they aren’t worth shit, then,

According to the Criminal Justice Degrees Guide, here are some of the most committed holiday crimes;

  1. Identity theft

Thieves are online and offline, just chilling to steal your personal information, especially, credit/debit card number, log in passwords, and Social Security number for varied colorful reasons. You won’t believe how many attempted hacks have been made on this blog since its recent inception.

       2.   Shoplifting

Shoplifting is a very common and fun crime committed during the holidays. With the shopping rush during Christmas, shoplifters and pickpockets have more opportunities to take advantage of your distracted self.

          3.   Robbery

Robbers are well aware of the fact that people carry more money on them during the holidays and they will steal from people on the street, or just come to your house to get your hard earned cash.

          4. Drunk driving

Drunk driving is extremely common this time of year and fatalities related to alcohol. In December 2008, 520 people died from alcohol- or drug-related crashes. Too much eggnog mixed with Alomo and too many Peter Griffins out there

        5.  Rape and sexual assault

This is most likely due to the increase of parties and alcohol consumption that takes place during this time of year. Especially at office and school parties. Underage kids are also susceptible to this for example that horny groping uncle that likes having your daughter on his lap.

       6.  Domestic violence

Domestic violence is a growing problem during the holidays, and experts believe it’s increased with the stress of gift giving, competiveness (my family or that family is better off), celebrations, and the close proximity to liked and hated family. Let’s also not forget the repetitive Christmas themed songs. Just those are enough to drive a sane person to murder.

The holidays have a tendency to exacerbate family tension, financial woes (MMM and unpaid Government salaries aren’t helping), causing people to act out in violent and destructive ways.

But down in Nigeria, we raise the bar concerning Christmas related worries.

I came across a story of a woman who was travelling on the road this December and a gang of armed men rammed her car off the road. They approached her and when they saw it was a woman, they announced it to their boss who rejected her for a reason she would soon understand and be grateful for. Not long after, another vehicle came their way and they managed to get that car to pull over. Excitedly, the bandits announced to their boss that the new victim was male. It was then the boss highlighted from the bandit’s vehicle wielding a machete.

Unceremoniously, he hacked off the head of the ill-fated man who was probably on his way to spend Christmas with his family, before the Boss Bandit began hungrily feasting on the blood spouting furiously from the headless neck of the deceased victim. It was at this point the woman witness passed out.

When she woke, the bandits were gone but they’d left her the headless corpse as a memento, probably so she wouldn’t for a second get to hoping it had all been some fictional nightmare.

According to gdigitalagency, here’s how you survive this festive season


But here’s what I, yours truly, Toben recommend; Instead of any of that prior crazy shit like being a festive season victim or any of that boring good advice, grab your lover and make some Christmas magic

                      Hopefully she/he looks like of one of these

Just stay home and Jingle those Balls.


Go out and give to someone(s) who have less and create for them a Christmas miracle.


Contact someone you hate or who you think hates you and share some Christmas Cheer. But make sure you’re tipsy before you do this so you’ll sound more confident at the end when you tell them to go fuck themselves (you don’t have to pay attention to the second bit of that advice).

My point is, if you’re like me and you actually do hate Christmas and its hassle, it’s no big deal. It’s just one day out of 365 days that make a year. No need to let one day or the whole festive week get you down or hurt or dead or broke.

You can still have a good time. Just ignore all the jingling nonsense and do something you’d enjoy. For example, if you’ve got snow, you could make a batch of self-brewed lemonade snow cones and give some kids and their parents (Jackass style! But make sure you don’t get caught ‘cos I’m pretty sure there’s jail time for this particular prank).

So just hold it together for another week and then we can troll together into 2017. Or at least stick around till Wednesday for the next Corner Slam! I promise I’m working on a scorcher.

Till then…


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