Alright! Enough of the Christmas cheer!  

It’s time to take time to bust some balls, break some hearts and forcibly open some minds.

You ever heard this song?

And they call it Puppy love… And they call it Puppy Love… Oh I guess they’ll never know… How a young heart really feels…

You haven’t? Wow! I look upon you with disdain.

That song titled (durhh) “Puppy Love”, was composed by Paul Anka and today we’ll be exploring certain parameters of the theme of his song.


Now I know the above pic has nothing to actually do with Pup Love (or does it?) But I just find it adorable.

Is it weird I find that adorable? Oh well, different strokes for different folks.


Here’s a story to help provide you some context on how puppy love works.

When I was 15, I ran into this girl who was perfect. And I mean perfect for me. Everything I fantasized at that age I wanted in a girl, she had it. Nice tits (I’ve matured into an Ass Man). The right height. Smart as a whip. Loved cartoons. Super open minded.

I bumped into her at 10pm, and I was head over heels in love by 11.30pm.

I would have done anything for this babe. And it’s unfortunate that I meant that literally because at that age I was a ridiculous romantic (probably due to all the brainwashing by Disney cartoons). Anyways, I had to travel for a bit and I left for that trip with a plan to return and sweep her off her feet with my love.

Trip done, I returned to my one true love and found out she’d spent my one week of absence slurping on some other dude’s candy cane.


I was confused and livid. And trust me, nothing is more dangerous and confused than a pubescent romantic with a hard on.

Anyway, after being debriefed by my homies on my crush’s slutty ways, I approached and confronted her with these stories. You know that thing they say about how girls mature before guys? Trust me it is neither a lie nor an overstatement. That chick played me like a fiddle and made me believe all was well and that I was just being paranoid.

In my naivety I believed her.

Less than 24hrs later, some new and damning evidence of her “Treachery Sluttery” presented itself and it was just so depressing I tried drinking away my pain. Then my drunk 15 year old self (Nigeria is kinda lax on the drinking age thing. Awesome, right?!) went off to find “my” girl. I found her in a bar with Da Dude aka The Competition.

I walked up to them and asked the dude to excuse us. I took the girl aside and right there in the bar, in the presence of man, God, dudes and dudettes, I got down on my knees and did not ask this girl to marry me (PSYCH!). But I did beg her to dump the douche she was with and be my girl.

Thank God camera phones weren’t a thing back then because asides from the foolishness of my act,SHE TURNED ME DOWN

What’s the moral behind my puppy loving story?

Puppy love is dangerous, poisonous and adds no added benefit to your life (except of course for the temporary and ill-fated good time you enjoy before things turn to shit).

Heck! Even Normal Matured True Love is dangerous, just read Romeo and Juliet. Let alone love by an immature hardly formed mind and intelligence.

What if I’d been a reallllly dumb kid -dumber than I already was- and committed suicide because she rejected me? Because I was heartbroken by a slutty teenage girl who grew up to be an actual street-working slut (no lies, that’s why I didn’t mention her name).

Or if at that bar things had turned violent between me and dude she was with.

Or if in my underage drunkenness, I’d met my death in traffic or fallen downstairs or something else that’d look horrible on my gravestone…

Puppy love, also known as Calf love and Kitten love, occurs when emotionally immature person(s) are under the impression they’re in love. Remember Tom cruise on Oprah’s couch?

Now, when I say emotionally immature, not just kids fall into this category. This is one of those situations where truly, “Age ain’t nothing but a Number”. Especially for the older ones.

We’ve got grown men out there with grey beards and pubic hair with the emotional maturity of kindergarteners  


If you need more perspective, think this guy.


Or Bieber around that period he and Selena were on.

But these mentioned cases can still count as youthful exuberance.

Let’s look at older folks.  Seriously this guy is like the poster child for everything wrong


And we’ve got this guy I mean seriously this dude picks on his own son on social media.

On the women side, we’ve got Taylor.

Lindsay I think she’s just all round disturbed

Or Mariah Carey

Now I’m hearing about Drake and J.Lo and I’m like, WTF!

Maybe Rihanna was right. Maybe we should stop judging her as a barracuda and consider the fact that maybe the (immature) dudes she’s been with are the problem

As the human biological clock goes, you’re supposed to experience puppy loving between 10 and 18. I’m actually being liberal when I say 18 cos you should have dropped that shit and other childish ways by 16. Don’t be like him

A clear symptom of puppy love is when your InstaFaceGramTwitter chronicles your entire relationship, much to our (well at least my) irritation. Right up to the point where you then entertain us with your predestined Jerry Springer breakup.

If you’re less than 21, very likely what you’re feeling isn’t actual love. At that age, your brain very most likely hasn’t developed the capacity to process actual love, same way Eddie Murphy theorised dudes below the age of 20 don’t actually know how to fuck.

Actual Love is selfish and at the same time selfless (can a 17 year old even try to comprehend what that means? Even Most 30 year olds can’t).

Love is kind (not trash talking but being supportive of your lover).

Love is patient (not hitting or insulting your lover).

It doesn’t envy and it isn’t proud (matching and comparing your relationship to others online).

It doesn’t dishonour others (showing your gf nude pic to the homies or telling your girls how small your bf’s dick is or how much of a one/ten minute guy he is)…

Horny teenagers are rarely any of these things, let alone exercising these traits for another individual.

And it doesn’t take two for puppy love or an immature relationship to exist. Dating an immature person can pull a mature person into the dreaded vortex of puppy love and ends up making the matured half collateral damage and brings about the likelihood of being thought of as equally as messed up as the faulty lover.  No doubt puppy love can be cute, but it serves no purpose and does no good whatsoever. I mean, I’m seeing 7 year olds in Elementary School talking about love.


The key thing that misleads into being in a puppy relationship is wrong relationship goals. That is, dating for the wrong reason(s). Like dating because all your friends are dating. Or you’re dating just because he’s good looking and smells nice – You dumb broad.

Or you’re dating because she’s got a phat ass, reminds you of Nicki Minaj and has more Instagram followers than you can brag about – You’re one dumb dickhead of a boyfriend.  LIKE THIS GUY!

My point is, GROW UP! Avoid the puppy love at all cost – unless of course you’re a teen, then by all means, learn from the experience. But if you’re an adult, then date responsibly and maturely.

If not, keep your baggage to yourself and don’t burden your unfortunate lover with your DRAMA.




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